What Kind of Karma Do You Want to Send Out to the Universe?

Yesterday, I awoke to a darker place. The fog has thickened. RP does that to me. It allows me only this much eyesight for so long, then snatches some of it away. Sometimes while I sleep, while I dream of red cars and surfer girls and a five dollar footlong with a dill pickle.

When I have a vision loss, I fall into a funk. I get sad and wish for days passed. I get angry too. I want to isolate, to stay home where it’s safe and I know where everything is.

I don’t get down on myself for feeling sad and angry. After all, I’ve experienced a trauma and that’s how people react. But it’s tougher now. Old ways of coping don’t work anymore. Strategies that solved problems are useless. The familiar is strange. The bargaining I thought successful, my saying, “Just leave me with what eyesight I have and I promise I’ll be a good boy,” has fallen on deaf ears.

So, today I’ll get out there and do things a little differently. I won’t necessarily like it, but I’ll do it. Today, when I walk Randy around the block, I’ll carry my white cane. Yesterday, I didn’t. I’ll carry the white cane so people won’t run into me anymore. That way, I won’t get mad at them and yell, “I cannot see you. What do you want me to do?” And that’s what I would have said, because I have new vision loss and I’m angry and I want to pick a fight.

But I won’t do that. I’ll choose to not make matters worse. I’ll choose to give others the same opportunity, to give them the information they need to do the right thing. Our walk will bring pleasure not rancor. Within our little imperfect system, where I can’t see so well, we can at least say we have done our best.

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7 Responses to What Kind of Karma Do You Want to Send Out to the Universe?

  1. bethfinke says:

    I’ve always thought that RP would be the most difficult way to lose one’s sight. Your post today confirms it. A question, though: are you saying that you walk Randy around the block without his harness on? Otherwise, wouldn’t people understand you are blind when they saw Randy’s harness? Why do you need to take a white cane, too?

  2. Kathy Austin says:

    “Hi Beth, and thanks so much for your comments at this site. I appreciate your reading, digesting and posting. Your question concerning the “Karma” blog leads me to clarify a confusing point.

    On Randy’s morning walk around the block to do his business, I do not have him in harness, only on his leash. Therefore, other folks have no clue that he is a Seeing Eye dog and that I am blind. That’s why I chose to start carrying the white cane in the morning.

    Good for you for pointing that out. I needed to clarify. I had included a sentence in a draft of this blog explaining the leash versus harness morning ritual, but ended up excluding it from the version that was posted. Thanks again and all my best.

    Jeff”

  3. Jeff Flodin says:

    test

  4. Carl D. says:

    Your last post says “TEST”. Is that a test on us. Jeff this is CARL D. I loss vision on my one good eye all the time. If you are looking for someone to race in that hell called “TOTAL”. I’ll race you. Me – I’m total now on the right side. and the Left side is muddled and fuzzy.
    Yes, after two years of lossing it – I do have some left. When it all started – I offered money to people to cure me. Hey, If you get to total before me – I’ll be the loser. Jeff – you are one of my heros. If I could tell you how to handle it I would. I wish you and your lady – lots of luck. Keep writing – if you can.

  5. Jenn says:

    I call it a vision dump, and then when I say it outloud to someone in my life I usually have to explain.

    We are in this together. You are brave for getting around the block with no cane. I tried to do it around my yard and bashed my head into a ladder.

    Won’t be trying that again.

    I really enjoy your blog and thank Beth for letting me know to head over here for some good reading.

    Jenn-

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