Now Where’d I Put Those Glasses?

I don’t wear eyeglasses anymore.  Don’t need ‘em.  Not that my eyesight is perfect.  Just the opposite.

Glasses got to be a bother.  Toward the end, I wore them all the time so I’d know where they were.  If I set them down, I’d never find them.  Messing with bifocals got too tricky. Tilt my head back to read close-up stuff and I’d almost fall over backward.

Going without glasses saved me some bucks.  That is, until my wife needed new ones for herself.  We almost had to take out a second mortgage to pay for them.  I pitched in for half of hers, just so we could keep the house.

I also save so much on car insurance that I pay half of the premium they charge my wife.  That way she lets me ride shotgun whenever I want.  Before I anted up, I sat in the back seat while she was up front with the dog.

I still make a fashion statement with eyewear. I’ve got the coolest sunglasses.  I bought them four years ago in a boutique on Clark Street.  My wife picked out the frames.  She says I look sharp.  I’m proud I haven’t lost them.  Knock on wood.

I’ve always had a problem seeing straight.  Back in high school, when glasses turned uncool, I jammed hard contact lenses the size of salad plates into my eyes.  When they got dirty, I washed them with saliva.  No wonder I can’t see so well anymore.  One night, I put my contacts in after slicing jalapeno peppers.  I don’t recommend that.  Unless, of course, you enjoy pain.

So, I guess it’s just as well I don’t need glasses anymore.  They turned into a hassle.  I’m happy just riding shotgun, looking cool in my sunglasses.

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3 Responses to Now Where’d I Put Those Glasses?

  1. bethfinke says:

    Ha! Do me a favor and let’s keep the idea of you paying half the car insurance a secret from my husband Mike, okay?

    • Jeff Flodin says:

      Ah, Beth, you are first in war, first in peace and first to comment, as ever. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

      Your car insurance secret is safe with me. But does Mike let you ride shotgun anyway?

  2. Carl D. says:

    Hi Jeff
    The common comment is Glasses Glasses – I don’t need no stinken glasses. That is a bit of movie hummor. But, the simple facts are a lot of the vision impaired think of sunglasses as: Marlon Brando in “Wild one”, Cary Grant in “North by northwest” or Charlie Sheen as “Wild Thing”. So, just pick one. No fair you can’t pick: “Mr. Magee and his trusty dog, Dee”. NO, no, no also to: “Secret Agent Dingledorf and His Trusty Dog Splat,”. Or you might be up a creek if you pick “Bobby G and his Trusty Dog “Einstein” on youtube..|.

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