Jimmy Kimmel: [Applause and theme music fade] Our next guest comes to us from the pages of the Jalapenos in the Oatmeal blog. Ladies and gentlemen, please greet the star of that hit series, Randy the Dog! [wild applause and “Who Let the Dogs Out” theme music] Welcome, Randy, you’re sure looking sharp tonight.
Randy the Dog: You’re so kind, Jimmy. Basic black is a classic look, don’t you think? And fur works well this time of year.
JK: And having your own keeps you on the right side of the fur controversy.
RD: Right you are, Jimmy. So many people complimented me on Fifth Avenue and the looks I got on the subway ride over here were so sweet.
JK: Speaking of subways, Randy, don’t the crowds get to you? I mean, you’re down there and the rest is standing room only.
RD: I just sit still and take it all in, Jimmy. It’s a great sniffing opportunity. One nice lady even said to me, My goodness,” she said, “You know more about me than my husband does.” [chuckles] That got a good laugh. Then when I told her my name, she said, “Well, you sure are randy, Randy.” And that got another laugh.
JK: Making friends everywhere you go, right, Randy? But I know travel can get tiresome. Don’t you get bored on long trips?
RD: Not at all, Jimmy. I’m not like people with their gizmos and gadgets and attention deficits. I don’t need Rin Tin Tin reruns on the back seat DVD player. No, I look out the window. I look at clouds that look like clouds. Then I take a nap and dream of food.
JK: Speaking of food, Randy…
RD: Yes, Jimmy?
JK: …well, I’d just think you’d get tired of the same thing all the time.
RD: Like I should paddle across a frozen lake to fetch a dead duck? [laughs] No way. I like my three cups of dry chow served in my bowl with a water back. That suits me fine. No, it’s people who think I need variety, like the lady who slipped me a slice of bacon and ended up having to replace her carpeting. Never seen such a mess in my life.
JK: So, no BLT’s for you , eh? [chuckles] But, Randy, what’s life like for you, the famous Seeing Eye dog?
RD: It’s a good gig, Jimmy. Gets me into a lot of places—restaurants and hotels with room service. Say, Jimmy, what’s on that plate next to your coffee cup? You gonna eat that? You gonna eat that? I could eat that. The biscuits in the Green Room were mighty tasty, but I could really eat what’s on that plate next to your coffee cup.
JK: I was just saying, Randy, that, with you being such a star, I kinda feel like chopped liver.
RD: Hmm… [leans toward Jimmy]
JK: [leaning back] Randy, why are you looking at me like that? [fade to black]