Two men walk into a barn. “Sure stinks in here,” says the first. “There’s a pony here somewhere,” says the second. This story is a metaphor for blindness. Sure, it stinks, but there’s always the possibility of a pony ride.
Here’s my Top Twenty Reasons to Be Cheerful:
- When I clean the house, everything looks spotless.
- I’m spared videos of other peoples’ kids’ birthday parties and snapshots from Cousin Todd’s awesome vacation.
- I never have food spots on my tie.
- I can pretend my dog didn’t just do what I think he did.
- I can butt in line and get away with it, whether I know it or not.
- Every female voice, except those ravaged by Southern Comfort and Marlboros, sounds like it would fit nicely in a size six little black dress.
- No American male has a beer belly, “Born to Be Wild” tattoos or a pop-top-pierced nose.
- The number written on the inside of all my belts is “32.”
- I can say I read Playboy for the fiction and not be called a liar.
- It’s fine not knowing what the Kardashian girls look like. Knowing what they sound like is bad enough.
- I’m not missing a thing when, with the world’s knowledge at my fingertips, I don’t constantly stream puppy videos and pictures of food.
- I can tell stories that begin with, ”My career as a major leaguer was tragically cut short by…” or “My promising future in space travel ended sadly when…”
- I can get in plenty of silent meditation while listening to Ken Harrelson call a White Sox game.
- I enjoy the mystery of wondering what I just stepped in.
- Crab grass and real grass are just green stuff.
- Looking bewildered isn’t interpreted as evidence of stupidity.
- I can employ the counseling technique of “talking to the empty chair” in social settings.
- I don’t have to wait ‘til I’m 80 to get helped crossing the street.
- I learn self-control by having my patience tested 89 times a day.
- I can just smile at, “If that blind guy can do it, I sure as hell can,” which is really a veiled insult as insidious as being called “a credit to his race.”
Now that you’ve heard mine, what does your gratitude list look like?