Blind by Proxy

Adjusting with vision loss takes teamwork.  And my teammate is Lola.  Lola stands five foot four, has curly red hair and a gap-tooth grin.  She feels deeply and laughs easily.  She approaches challenges with enthusiasm.  She wants to learn everything about everything.  She was Professor of Nursing—voted Teacher of the Year.  She was nurse anesthetist—putting people to sleep and, when the danger passed, bringing them back to a better life.

Lola has laughing blue eyes and wears reading glasses which she misplaces daily.  I help Lola find her glasses, her phone and her car keys.  I have somber brown eyes and see shadows and light and little else.  Lola helps me find my vision, my voice and my place in her heart.

Lola embraces her role as foreign exchange student in Blindland.  She’s learned to close cupboard doors and open conversations.  She’s become a skilled sighted guide and door describer.  She helps me feel safe in strange places.  We negotiate overprotectiveness and self-reliance (which Lola calls stubbornness).  She asks before helping and lets me make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.  We discuss issues and share vulnerability.  The more we talk, the easier it gets.  The more we laugh, the more we feel we are the lucky ones.

I depend on Lola.  I depend without branding myself deficient.  Lola has the tool of sight and views us as equals.  My job is to keep us equal by keeping my current blind skills sharp and learning new ways to do old things.  That way, I keep my end of the bargain and avoid dependence becoming a dirty word.

Still, dependence implies imbalance.  And, while I trust Lola’s good will, I’ve begun to question the veracity of statements such as, “Looks like we’re out of potato chips” and, “Too bad they only served you four french fries.”  I realize the temptation to mess with the blind man is powerful.  When it prevails, I choose to retain unconditional confidence that the stakes are measured in small potatoes.

Dependence confers less power on one party.  While that party may choose to get mad and then get even, I take the gentler approach that two can play.  Soon, I’ll dim the lights (I think), play soft music, arrange the place settings and call Lola to table.  Then, as we sit down to our Valentine’s dinner, I’ll face my partner and paramour and say, “You won’t want to eat this pizza.  It will taste terrible.”  And we’ll feel love’s gravity and we’ll laugh with the lightness of kids at play.

Playlist:

“Dark Side of the Moon” by Chris Staples, from American Soft (2014)

“Rock of Your Love” by John Hiatt, from The Tiki Bar Is Open (2001)

“Count on Me” by BoDeans, from Blend (1996)

“Buddy Holly” by Weezer, from Weezer (Blue Album) (1994)

“This Is Us” by Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris, from All the Roadrunning (2006)

“That’s What My Man Is For” by Delaney and Bonnie and Friends, from On Tour with Eric Clapton (1970)

“Hero” by Family of the Year, from Loma Vista (2016)

“Strangers” by The Kinks, from Lola vs. Powerman and the Moneygoround (1970)

“Church” by Stephen Stills, from Stephen Stills (1970)

“Please Be Patient with Me” by Albertina Walker with Reverend James Cleveland (1979) and by Darlene Love, from The Concert of Love (2010)