Acceptance is the key to living with blindness. Acceptance is an act of humility and courage and, some days, I fall short. Some days, a guy just needs a superhero at his side. So, here’s a modest proposal for meeting life’s challenges with the strength and skill, the shock and awe possessed by Matt Murdoch, a.k.a. The Daredevil and blind superhero.
First, I peruse the Superhero Online Catalog. There, I find the product that promises I can persuade people to come around to my way of thinking with one touch from a magic wand—namely, their Million-Volt Taser—for as little as $27.95! A single zap will, for fifteen minutes, render any objectionable person immobile, incoherent and, likely, incontinent. Now, that’s what I call persuasion!
How far we’ve come from the Debating Society! For physical means of problem-solving, this one-handed, stun gun approach to self-defense makes more sense than the traditional knee kick and instep stomp, tactics requiring immediate, instinctive action learned only with repetition—presumably by practicing at home on the kids?
The Superhero Online Catalog says this handy device comes in styles ranging from the fifteen-inch wand to the thirty-inch support cane that extends to thirty-six inches. For my purposes, a custom model, designed for people who happen to be blind like me, would be the perfect fit.
I believe I have an inventive mind. Historically, though, it seems that my bright ideas for new and improved gizmos and gadgets have already been dreamed up and patented. Well, I got here first this time, the first kid on the block with the million-volt white cane which I call…The Persuader. Here’s a rundown of its features.
*The Persuader emits a 50,000-lumen light beam to temporarily blind your assailant, thereby leveling the playing field. For blind users unable to see your assailant’s face, try aiming the beam a little north of where those guttural noises are coming from.
*The Persuader’s dual-chamber atomizer streams a dose of the potent sedative Ativan to dissuade assailants or, in less perilous situations, a soothing cloud of Valium to calm overprotective family members.
*The Persuader’s titanium shaft adds punch to shin swats aimed at inconsiderate pedestrians and bumpers of cars that invade your crosswalk. For egregious drivers, The Persuaders retractable tire puncturer and paint scratcher drive home your point.
*The Persuader boasts all this—plus a million volts—all for just $27.95!
I’m sure you’ll agree that The Persuader is the perfect weapon. But isn’t that what they said about the atom bomb? My dilemma is whether to unleash The Persuader on humanity or bury it in my sock drawer.
I consider myself non-violent. The closest I’ve come to a punch in the nose was at the teenage Battle of the Bands when Russ Bishop popped me for dancing with his girlfriend. My buddies said they’d help me “get even,” but I declined retaliation then and decline it now. Rather than creating mayhem with The Persuader, I’ll endorse the power of the pen. While this small step may not safeguard our future, I am comforted knowing that, today, no animals or humans were injured in the writing of this blog.
Playlist:
“Precious” by Pretenders, from Pretenders (1980)
“Strange Days” by The Doors, from Strange Days (1967)
“Hit Me with Your Rhythm Stick” by Ian Dury & The Blockheads (1978)
“Electricity” by Ringo Starr, from Give More Love (2017)
“Suit of Lights” by Elvis Costello, from King of America (1986)
“Mack the Knife” by Bobby Darin (1959)
“Can I Take My Gun up to Heaven?” By Cracker, from Cracker (1992)
“One Time, One Night” by Los Lobos, from By the Light of the Moon (1987)
“Driveby” by Neil Young and Crazy Horse, from Sleeps with Angels (1994)
“Showdown at Big Sky” by Robbie Robertson, from Robbie Robertson (1987)